living with a disability

I promise not all of these posts will be stroke related in fact I would like to get back to the acting. But I do think it’s good for me to get this off my chest, plus it’s my blog on my website so I can do whatever I want. :)

Since having my strokes, I can say my perspective has changed a lot. I’m just gonna leave that there for now.

People treat me differently now and I’m feeling more insecure with things that I didn’t know I would be. I was a very independent person before and I find myself feeling bad about people taking care of me.

Now you may be saying to yourself, “girl stfu you literally had several strokes”. Which is fair, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was a very independent and responsible person and now (for the time being) I am not.

 I feel guilty when people give me rides, have to wait for me because I’m slower and less stable now, or even like if I’m talking to someone too much (I even feel this way to my good friends and family). 

I know the people in my life, especially those people (you know who you are) don’t look at me as a burden, but I still feel that way, like people feel like they have to take care of me and are only doing it out of obligation because it’s the right thing to do (yes I’m talking to my therapist about this).

This stroke has also taught me how to and how not to treat disabled people. I know this is temporary and I also know that I’m more stubborn than your average person. However the way able bodied and ignorant people (I say this with love but growth is good) speak to/about or act around recovering people or people with disabilities is terrible <3.

People don’t get how they’re treating and/or looking at disabled people, and like I’m fully aware that people don’t think about it. I didn’t get it. However, to touch a stranger in public (me) is insanely rude. The amount of times that people have thought to take care of me in conversations is too much. Also I’ve noticed that people love to project their insecurities or feelings onto me :), which feels amazing by the way (sarcasm).  

The way I see it, A) I can see you staring at me and I would really appreciate you not looking at me like a bird with a broken wing and B) hey that doesn’t actually feel good. 

I get that people have good intentions, but the effect is not great and they don’t understand that it’s also their responsibility to take accountability for that.

I find myself feeling conflicted between grateful because I understand that people usually have good intentions and also upset because their intentions have the effects that do make me feel like a toddler. 

The way I see it (the way everyone should see that respectfully), you should A) treat people with a disability (or anyone for that matter) the way you treat everyone else and B) hey NEVER touch people without asking. Also I have felt this for years being an openly gay man with a loud sense of expression, STOP STARING AT PEOPLE it’s rude and hey I can see you.

Through this stroke/recovery experience I am incredibly grateful about who has been there for me. However, it has been incredibly frustrating to be taken care of all the time. I know I am recovering from a major stroke, but I’m not two years old. 

I am the same person I have always been and it’s quite insulting to treat me with kid gloves.

With that said and off my chest I would like to thank all of the beautiful people in my life who have treated me no differently from pre to post strokes.