Vulnerability, trial and error, and true escapism

Merriam Webster defines vulnerability as the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

 In performing, we often talk about being vulnerable as a thing we all do. Every day we risk something, I think it’s important to remember to bring your humanity to everything you do. 

When I start coaching a new client, I play “Maybe Momentarily” by: Alex Kozobolis and Alkis Livathinos, and I have the student read Elia Kazan’s “The Actor’s Vow” to remind that it is okay to fail and try new things. 

In art (in life), the best choices mostly come from trial and error and making mistakes. I recently interviewed a close friend and fellow artist and what she told me was that it is not the job of the artist to judge the work for the audience. Michelangelo or Beyoncé didn’t say their work was incredible or what details we will gravitate towards.

We need to do the same, share first drafts and let people you trust see it before it's completed, you will only get more information that way. When I was in acting school I was told that the reason my acting was good was, “because people knew my secret or intention before I did”. Now you may be reading that and be like, “heyyy bitch, what does that mean??”.

Now it took me a while too, I got it when I watched my acting and let my ego or judgment take a break. 

See in acting I have found to use insecurity and physical locks to help secondary motivators.

Again, I feel like people are gonna be so confused by that so let me break it down. By using a character’s insecurity, I mean what important things in your life is at risk or what are you in the circumstances of the story, insecure about. That insecurity helps build tension which will draw you to try different things.

I used it in a summer intensive that I ran and I had all of my students and myself try just to focus on insecurity in the circumstances. All of my 8 students were at different levels as am I to them and I found in every single performance, it was deeper and more charged. I can say from performing like that it almost felt more intense and raw. In that it helps to bring you to the performance without the use of sense memory. It becomes more honest storytelling and it becomes cathartic. It also becomes easier to drop the character or derole because you focus on the feeling of insecurity which is universal (sometimes I wish it wasn’t) rather than focussing on having to '“play” something.

Now by physical locks, I mean take away some of your physical habits (stand, pacing, eye movement, monotone speaking, ect..)

For example I picked a piece for a young student about fighting with a sister, and it wasn’t bad when she brought it back memorized, but I didn’t know how she felt and that intention is what drives the words.

Now that kind of goes back to the moment before but I’m not talking about that today, but for the purpose of conversation, it is something that goes into prep and understanding. 

It’s knowing what happened to you right before this scene and why you are delivering what you are and more importantly, in my opinion, how you are delivering what you are. 

Now I’ll be honest, coaching can sometimes be a trial and error until I know a student well, I don’t always know what is going to really make contact with someone. That's why it is so important to have an actor’s journal, so you can track what we did, how it went, and most importantly how it felt. I as a teacher and coach never claimed to always be right or to have all of the answers, but I am always committed to holding an extra light and being there while my students walk through, what I know, can feel like a dark cave.

So with this girl, we had tried a few things and it got a little better, but it was getting over complicated. So I stopped us and told her we were going to try something simple. 

Sometimes problems can feel so complex and frustrating, but in reality they have a very simple solution.

I had her try the piece again, but this time I just had her not move her eyes at all. 

I told her it would probably be very uncomfortable and she may mess up or forget her words (no one ever believes me when I say that, and yet every time they go up on their lines).

The piece was so honest and intense now, by simplifying and not overthinking, we were actually able to really open up the piece. 

She was able to find levels in the piece that she hadn’t before and she cried in the piece, something she had never done in that piece before. Allowing her to leave herself alone without making distractions made her really trust the work she had put in and she was able to be vulnerable in the piece and be fully present.

I think it is so important to push to be imperfect and vulnerable and real.  

A couple years ago, I was adjudicating solo acting at the international level and there were incredible performers but they felt so empty and over rehearsed (they were). There was a girl who was on the spectrum severely. I was ignorant at the time and from first impressions counted her out. 

The time keeper told us to not count her time, she slated. She stuttered through it and shook out her body. She performed one of Laura’s monologues from “The Glass Menagerie”.

Now in the story has a physical ailment, this student substituted her mental challenges for the physical ailment. 

I was shocked, the piece was also honest and real, she performed so intentionally, no stutter in the piece and it took on a whole new meaning. I (a working professional) learned that acting, performing at large, can truly give a feeling of escapism for the performer too, more than just, “I am playing a different kind of person from myself”.

She was able to fully and honestly bring herself to the story via a technique, substitution. She found the crossroads between creative release and safety.

That is an experience I will never forget.

The Actor’s Vow by: Elia Kazan

I will take my rightful place on the stage

and I will be myself.

I am not a cosmic orphan.

I have no reason to be timid.

I will respond as I feel;

awkwardly, vulgarly, but respond.

I will have my throat open,

I will have my heart open,

I will be vulnerable.

I may have anything or everything

the world has to offer, but the thing I need most,

and want most, is to be myself.

I will admit rejection, admit pain, admit frustration,

admit even pettiness, admit shame, admit outrage,

admit anything and everything that happens to me.

The best and most human parts of me are those

that I have inhabited and hidden from the world.

I will work on it.

I will raise my voice.

I will be heard.